


Today: An Alternative

by LavenderAndSnow



Series: NCIS Book Quotes [3]
Category: NCIS
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Rewrite
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-12
Updated: 2020-07-12
Packaged: 2021-03-04 22:33:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,597
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25223965
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LavenderAndSnow/pseuds/LavenderAndSnow
Summary: A re-write of my previous “Today.”
Relationships: Jethro Gibbs/Hollis Mann, Jethro Gibbs/Jacqueline "Jack" Sloane
Series: NCIS Book Quotes [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1597738
Kudos: 25





	Today: An Alternative

**Author's Note:**

> Part 3 of NCIS Book Quotes, with a prompt from Neruda. “I love you as certain dark things are loved, secretly, between the shadow and the soul.” Pablo Neruda, 100 Love Sonnets. 
> 
> This is an alternative to my previous “Today”, which I have a love-hate relationship with. I felt like the original story didn’t achieve what I had in mind, so here’s a re-write. Same setting, totally different story. Gibbs/Jack and past Gibbs/Hollis.

1.0

Her consciousness came back before she could open her eyes. She sensed lights—strong, orange lights, right in her face, and immediately she wanted to go back to the darkness. There were murmurs; she couldn’t make out the exact content, but the tone was flat and cold.

The next thing she remembered was absolute quietness. She opened her eyes and a big blue figure in scrubs leaned over her, with several others close-by. The weirdly comforting scent of disinfectant kicked in her investigative instinct. _Hospital, again._

“Glad to see you awake, Agent Mann.” Her eyes slowly focused on the doctor, now not so blurry.

“What have I done this time?” She managed to chuckle but judging by the seriousness on his face, it didn’t work a single bit.

Without breaking eye contact he resumed, “you’ve got some explaining to do, and I have a feeling it’s not easy.” Just before she could voice her confusion the doctor turned to the door and left with the nurses.

Silence brought her back to reality, so did the pain in her arms, stomach, and back. The anesthetics were fading, and waves of pain became stronger each second.

The next face she saw, however, brought back a different yet familiar kind of suffering.

“Hollis.”

She didn’t need to turn her head to know who just uttered her name, who leaned at the door. The low, velvety voice was burned into her brain years ago. But she did, looking into those blue eyes with the best smile she could manage. “How’s Jack?”

“She’s okay. Resting at home.” Gibbs pulled a chair and sat down next to her bed.

With a weak chuckle she joked, “this isn’t what I had in mind when I invited her for coffee, trust me.”

His face was unmoved, like the doctor, “Hollis…They released Jack two days ago.”

Has it been that long? Trying not to look surprised, she proceeded, “then why are you here? Someone is targeting her, isn’t it?” She knew she was deflecting, and she knew he’d play along as long as she insisted.

Surprisingly, he reached out for her hand, tone softened, “I saw the footage at that café. You jumped in front of her when the truck hit.”

“If you want to thank me, Jethro,” she slowly closed her eyes to rest and to avoid looking at the concerns sparkling in his, “some French fries would be nice.”

He rubbed his thumb around the wedding band around her finger and swallowed what he wanted to say. “Take care, Hollis.”

She heard the chair moving, his footsteps, and the door opening. Still didn’t open her eyes, she finally sighed, “thanks, Jethro.”

He stopped before closing the door and presented his usual business face. “Torres will be watching you until we catch that guy. I’ll make sure you get the damn fries.”

And then the room was quiet again, but she couldn’t shut off the humming of his voice in her head. As the sun went down his voice only got faster and faster and she wasn’t sure if she was dreaming.

“They released Jack two days ago…."

“Take care, Hollis….”

“She’s okay….Resting at home….”

She’d be lying if the word “home” didn’t shutter her already broken heart. Feeling the scab being ripped off she thought bitterly, just one more cut, how bad could it be?

Slowly she let her guard down and let the darkness close in on her again. What started off as quiet sobbing turned into violent tears and she curled up, gasping for air. She felt sick in her stomach and her head hurt as if the world was spinning and laughing at her. She lost track of time until she heard the door open again.

“Uh…Gibbs sent me to check in on you.” Faking some lightheartedness, Torres waved the brown bag in his hand awkwardly, “I brought snacks. Can’t let you survive on hospital food.”

The tears on her face were so fresh she didn’t bother to wipe them away. “He asked you to bring fries? Or just to taunt me?”

“Fries, yes,” he sat next to her, “craft beer battered, thin cut.” He put one in his mouth and placed the bag in Hollis’ hands.

“So he taunts me—”

“—And honey water and raspberry smoothie since Jack insisted you aren’t ready for processed food.”

Hollis smiled. “That’s very sweet of her.”

Seeing through her exhaustion Torres hesitated for a second. “You know, McGee told me not to talk to you about this, but we didn’t find any legal record of your marriage.” He looked at the wedding band perfectly snug around her ring finger. “I feel like I know why now.”

She looked surprisingly amused, and Torres wasn’t sure if that made her hurt even more. “You are a smart agent, Torres. Gibbs trained you well.” The cold tone and the dried tears combined, making this scene dimmer than the darkening skyline.

“Well, enough talking,” he handed Hollis a hot pink plastic water bottle, “I promised Jack to supervise your recovery diet and she makes a killer smoothie.”

“How is she doing?” She took a sip and didn’t expect the sweet and sour taste to bring her this much comfort. “You weren’t kidding. This is very delicious.”

“Em, I think it’s better you just talk to her, maybe in a few days.” She saw the frowning brows and hesitant eyes, and she wasn’t sure what exactly had Jack worried more at this point. “Jack’s worried about you, you know?”

“I have a feeling we will have a long conversation.”

2.0

She was pacing around in the living room, her mind not exactly on her recovery as Gibbs told her to again and again. When she heard the door open and she rushed towards it, immediately started to share the worrisome on his face.

“Is she okay?” Her voice raspy from concern.

He wasn’t sure he should try to be more convincing. “She’s awake. You, Jack?”

“Did you talk to her?” Her fidgeting hands nervously travelled through her messy hair, and he noticed just how agitated she was. She always had a way to cut through his emotional defense, finding him at a vulnerable spot, and surrounding him with her warmth. He wasn’t sure if he was capable of doing the same for her.

“What do you want me to say, Jack?”

“Hollis could have died, Gibbs. She chose to save my life, knowing she could lose hers.”

“Yeah, I saw the surveillance footage, too.” He threw his jacket on the couch and sat down.

“You really can’t see what’s happening here, can you?” She turned away and her voice was full of agony now.

“Jack….” His eyes followed her, but his mouth shut.

Turning around she sat closely besides him, resting her head on his shoulder the way she liked. “You are afraid to think that maybe she’s still hurting, maybe she still loves you. You realized she hasn’t moved on, and she never have the happily-ever-after you want her to have.”

She watched him run his hands over his face, covering his exhaustion and fear.

“McGee didn’t find the husband. I…I don’t think he actually exists.”

Jack wrapped her arms around his neck and murmured. “You’re afraid that maybe, maybe there’s a tiny little part of her that wanted to die, to end all of this. You feel guilty that she’s been in pain.”

He pulled back suddenly to put some space in between and looked into her eyes. “Jack, if you think this is going to change us….”

She cut him off, before he could say anything else, before she had the possibility of hearing what he had to say, “this isn’t what you should worry about now.”

She closed her eyes and inhaled his scent, his sadness. “Gibbs, you really should talk to her. Tell her you still care, maybe that’ll ease her pain a little.”

“About what?” He stopped for seconds, looking at Jack with genuine confusion, “I don’t understand, after all these years?”

Jack sighed, “how long did it take for you to truly put Shannon behind?” She combed through his gray hair gently.

“That’s not the same.” He quipped.

Her eyebrows slightly went up as she tried to grasp the heaviness of their unspoken past, “You don’t know that. Gibbs, you clearly mean a lot to her. She wouldn’t risk her life for me if otherwise.” She trailed her fingertips across his forehead, “I’ll always be here for you, and I want to help her too.”

3.0

She walked in when Hollis was still sleeping and sat down as quietly as possible. Her friend looked so peaceful and Jack wondered if she felt the same way inside, the way she showed the entire world. Her skin still looked dry and pale, but she could see some light pink under her cheeks, on her lips. Hollis was recovering. Jack let her eyes wandered around the room—apple slices turning light brown, roses and lilies on the nightstand, and a copy of _Atonement_ she must have threatened Torres to get from her apartment.

“Hiya.” Jack’s soft voice greeted Hollis as she opened her eyes.

“How long have you been here?” She struggled to sit up and brushed away her tangled hair.

“Just a few minutes. Feeling any better?” With that voice, Jack put away another strand of hair from Hollis’ face and squeezed her hand gently.

“Apparently I’m in trouble for causing people to worry.”

“I’m more concerned about you reading something so depressing when you need to rest. But again, surprised you read romance.” She glanced at the cover and put it down, reaching for her hand. “Thank you, Hollis, for saving my life. I mean it.”

“I’m just glad you are okay.”

“And I’m sorry, truly sorry, for what you’ve been through.” She paused for a second, ruminating on what that actually implied, “don’t be too cruel to yourself.” She lowered her head and then looked up at Hollis, who was on the edge of tears.

Hollis retreated from Jack’s touch, turning her face towards the window. Knowing her feelings were laid bare, she forfeited the cover with sigh, “please don’t hate me, Jack.”

“I will never.”

In a split moment Jack wondered what it would take for the two of them to switch places, if she could have also faced a brutal, predetermined fate. She didn’t know what it would mean to any of them if Hollis wasn’t so silent about her feelings.

“You know what’s funny?” Hollis’ words pulled her thoughts back.

“Hmm?”

She saw that her eyes were shining with the heavy reminiscence, but her voice sounded sadly amused. “For a while, I didn’t understand why Jethro was so…resistant, to love. Even after knowing about Shannon and Kelly, I…part of me still couldn’t fully get it. But now… I finally do.”

“Gibbs will never say this to you out loud…but he cares for you. Whatever you may believe, he thinks you are important. Don’t doubt that.”

“Importance is a relative concept, Jack.”

As they held their gaze, Hollis decided that maybe she just need to stab her own heart one more time. “If you ever wonder, you’re not another mistake for him.”

Jack wrinkled her nose and tilted her head, “you know, I chewed on that for a long time.”

“You’re not. Trust me. I can tell.” She reached out to lightly touch Jack’s hand, but her friend replied with another question. “Hollis, why did you leave for Hawaii?”

Her eyes lowered to the iv tube on her arm, watching the liquid flowing into her body at such a steady, calming rate. “I saw what it did to Stephanie. I was terribly afraid it would do the same to me, and I would turn bitter and sour and fighting for his attention.”

“He can’t handle seeing you hurt again. Trust me, Hollis.”

“He won’t need to see it.” She looked straight into her concerning eyes, “I promise, Jack. I promise.”

She forgot what happened after Jack left. When she woke up at the crack of dawn, the air was still glistering from the fading moon. She reached out to nothing, curling her fingers and then relaxing them. Her knuckles were pale and her fingers thin, and she felt surreal. One week at the hospital felt like a hundred.

What exactly was real, she wondered?

She vividly remembered the laughter echoing between her and Jethro, the warm touches, and the passionate kisses. Fourteen years later she wasn’t sure they were real anymore. Those sparkles in her life felt like a long time ago, but the pain felt like yesterday. The sharp cut left a gashing wound that never truly healed, as much as she tried. The pain dulled overtime but never went away, and it resurfaced and washed her over from time to time. Sometimes she felt like the pain was the only real thing, the only thing that actually happened.

Turning around, she saw what Jack brought her last night. Neatly cut fruits in a container, the berry smoothie she said she liked, fresh towels, lotion, and even a chapstick. She truly cared about her.

When she cleared her thoughts, she remembered what Jack told her. “He can’t handle seeing you hurt again.” Hollis felt a heavy punch in her stomach. She turned on her side and threw up on the floor.

4.0

The rational part of her has made peace with it, admitting that this was just one more life’s cruel joke, but the emotional, compulsive part wouldn’t stop feeling defeated, and she kept wondering if the ending would be different had she done something else. She has been having a hard time not blaming herself, just as she found it impossible to keep pretending that her wound wasn’t so deep and so painful.

“Hell of a lie you pulled of. Time to lose that ring.”

She froze at his words. He adjusted his shoulder to support her, feeling the heaviness of her breathing, of her sobbing. Half an hour ago he rushed to her apartment after finding out that she checked out of the hospital against medical advice.

“Not too big if it’s worth it.” She pulled away, not wanting to humiliate herself.

“Holly, you should have stayed in the hospital.” His eyes scanned the room again and this time he noticed the half-packed suitcase at the door, the empty closet, and the purchased flight to Vancouver on her laptop.

_Damn Vancouver. It never gets too cold._

“Jack is a good person, you know. She’s good for you.” As she stated slowly her hands flattened the fabrics of his collar, carefully avoid any contact with his skin.

And he reached out for her hand, interlacing their fingers in a way he didn’t before, “I thought I was going to lose you, again.” He stopped, ruminating on what he truly wanted to say, what he wished he had said years ago.

She stared straight into his eyes, “we all have regrets in life.”

“Vancouver is a nice place.”

To which she only replied, “Jethro, you should marry her.”

After some much calculated silence, he turned his body and let Hollis rest her head on his shoulder. His arms wrapped around her waist and he felt the soft touch of her hair on his neck. She was more vulnerable than he had ever seen. He pecked kisses on her hair, letting her bleed out her sorrow one last time. Softly, he said, “I’m planning on it.”

(the end.)

**Author's Note:**

> My IRL friend LKplus recommended this particular type of fries after reading my draft (McCain Craft Beer, Battered Potatoes Thin Cut, sold in North America). Even though he lacks background knowledge about NCIS I love this detail. Another shot out goes to SpookyStar29 who has been providing me with spiritual sport. She and I collectively decided on Vancouver, a place far away enough with endless new beginnings, also the city where I uploaded the original Today.
> 
> The original version: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21416101  
> The prequel, Red Roses, which happens a day before the accident: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21831427
> 
> If I say I’m done writing heartbroken Hollis, who will buy it?


End file.
